I don't really like to share emotions with people ! But I really need to outburst ! Life really upset me a lot ! I do my praying and I did my part ! But it still seem not right ! I don't get bully physically but verbally ! And it occurs non stop ! Just recently I was persecuted verbally for Christ ! And now I totally understand how it feel to become a pastor or the apostle position ! Is really not easy when you share you faith to others and the facts is people got their own opinion and like they will listen ! I have not been really walking right with God after my working life .... I turn a bitch ! I mean a real bitch ! I BMS a lot and that is not cool ! Seriously I change into a person that people hate it ! And I do realize people and either avoiding me or disrespectful to me and their body language sign is obvious ! Is a different world out there ! I regret in the past of my childish-ness that causes what I am today ! I got no certificate , I got no dignity and after living high school life was lonely .... I created this disaster for myself ... And my attitude has became worst and worst through the years that comes . Just really disappointed in what I have done and you can't turn back and change it . It really disappointing that I did not study hard and now I got to be disdain by people that ever asked me about my studies and educational life ! really people don;t give a look at you ! You will come to a age when people adults are not going to give you chances and damn anymore ... There were be no sympathy for anyone anymore because you are on your own ! And friends cannot be trusted . I don't trust and believe in friendship . I seriously don;t ! I can live without that . Is either you come or live . ! Is does not affect me at all ! Is all about you trusting the Lord. I realize all this years I rely too much and depend on human being and many time without fail they disappointed me so badly . Not to blame them . Human are born selfish so am I ! Whatever is it , God has been without me and that I can't deny ! I don;t know why is He not listening but I always can feel Him and that is not exaggerating ! Because when you believe in Him , you automatically know He is there and you can feel it ! I am not that happy anymore in life . I guess when you don;t love yourself and look at yourself so much . this is how you will feel . In the outside , People always never fail to tell me how selfish and prideful I am , thats why they can;t never see my organs ! You have no idea at all how much I don;t wanna be me ! How much I wanna die once upon in my life when all circumstances in lives I am facing through is me alone going through it . Not even my parent . I never said they don;t love me . I know they do a lot ! I will never blame them of my life and what I am today . They did their job and that is totally enough ! I have responsibilities to take in my life ! they did an awesome job ! I never once go through hard time with someone else . Like where on earth are you lord ? Seriously ! But my faith in You will never fade away ! All I need to do is trust in You , in all You do ! I am not capable of my live . But strongly You are ! I am good at hurting and cursing people nowaday .... but what I do realize in the end I am even more hurt than the actual person ! I kill myself with the bullet! How intellectual I am right ? there so many more things to learn . and I don;t know which step to step on first . I try to run when I can't walk ! Wtf ! that is the usually me . I am impatience ! FML me ! But thank God He did not abandon me and give me a prophecy ! And I hope it will be fulfill ! I can't wait !